My brain wants to get things done, but my body won't cooperate. Maybe if I was out and about more, I wouldn't notice the mess or the little things that need to be done. Feel almost a pressing judgement in my head that things should be a certain way. That almost the state of our things are are somehow a reflection of who I am, and if I'm a good person or not.
(Is this what people mean when they say they're turning into their mothers? That even without hearing her voice the value judgements are still there?)
I know tying so much self-worth in things is not healthy at all. But on the flipside, I think it's helping me to understand / appreciate something that was a bit baffling.
In the move to the new house there were items in my (old) room at my parents' house that I wanted to have at the new house. I asked Dad and Mom if I could take them. It was then I found out some pieces were actually my sisters'. And, one desk I didn't think I needed to ask for, I did.
"Why does it matter if you bought it or not? We don't need it, she can take them," Mom said when Dad raised his voice to say it wasn't mine. And that was that... but it wasn't.
At the time, I'd thought the same as Mom, "Why is this a big deal? And "If you want to keep it, I won't take it."
But, I've been looking at it in a different way. Maybe, Dad wanted a clear demarcated ownership not because he wanted to keep these things, but so that he could say, "This is mine and now it is a gift from me to you." That would be significant.
"I bought that," had sounded arrogant. But even if it was a boast, isn't it justified? My family was definitely not as well off as we are now. My parents worked really hard to provide for the family. This bed, this desk... even if not the highest quality, were still purchases that required quite a bit of sacrifice. Shouldn't they be acknowledged? Allowed to be proud at being able to get these things for us?
I could see that with this interpretation, how both Mom's dismissal (referring only to quality and current need) and my assumption that certain things were mine, stripped away at his sense of pride and being a good provider. Maybe all he wanted was for us to remember. (Whereas, Mom doesn't feel this way...)
I thought of Mom's World Book encyclopedia set she bought for me. Angela's desk and chair I've since found was her first purchase with her own pay cheque... (Aside: Theresa didn't seem to care about what happened to her stuff.)
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| http://istolethisfromyou.com/ |
Our lives are tied up in these possessions. We give them meaning whether we want to or not. I must have known this (one clue: I was drawn to I Stole This From You) And when given as gifts*, they still have (heart) strings attached**.
It's not like I don't already have trouble throwing things away! But, now that I've "stolen", "adopted" these things from my family, I feel I better take good care of them. Though, until when? And would it mean I'm then being a good daughter?
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* The true definition of a gift is something given without payment or effort from the recipient to earn it (I remember this from analysing BOGO promotions!), but I'm not even sure what to call these other things. Angela phrases it in a reasonable way, if she wants it back or to have some say in what happens to it, she is lending it to me (so, an item on loan?).
**Good or bad, I know with some of my gifts, the more personal ones, the strings are there too... In some cases they give them worth, but in others, am I just putting / giving unneeded pressure with it?
1 comment:
That's an interesting idea about what your dad might have been thinking. You could be right, but whatever the truth, your words highlight your incredible openness to figuring out others' points of view!
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