Painfully Obvious?

When Charlotte said "Babies do feel pain", I thought of course*.  But it turns out I don't know how to identify it.

Jackie tries to assure me that I'm doing great and that James is thriving.  But it's hard to believe that when I now know he's been screaming in pain.

I'd thought he was just fussy; he didn't like this or that or wanted to be held... And that babies cry...

But Jackie watching closely sees the pattern: He wakes up screaming, knees pulled up tight.  We hold and rock him for 10-15 minutes before he eventually stops -- but it's not out of comfort, rather exhaustion.  He's in pain.  

I didn't think there was much of an improvement when I started the CMPA diet, but now I think I'm  just not sensitive / observant enough.  All other things equal (we've been giving him a prescription antacid for reflux [Prevacid], and keeping him upright for ~15 minutes after a feeding), he's been worse since I stopped the diet. 

I'm now back on it -- wish only I'd figured it out earlier, so he'd have suffered less.  Jackie tells me not to beat myself up: we're working on it, we're doing our best.  Is it enough?
------------------------------------------------------------------

* Wikipedia's entry on Pain in Babies, indicates in late 19th and early 20th century "It was generally believed that babies would not remember any pain that they happened to feel, and that lack of conscious memory meant lack of long-term harm." and "As recently as 1999, it was commonly stated that babies could not feel pain until they were a year old."

Grandma is my favourite toy

Excerpt from Alberta Health Services Growth and Development Series brochure "All About Me - 2 to 4 Months":

I know Jackie doesn't mean to shame me, but I do feel bad: She's said more words to James in an hour with him than maybe me for a whole day...

She's also managed to make diaper changes fun.  Really.  They are bicycle races where James pedals past Daddy and wins every time.

With her here, I see just how much he's changed.  Almost without me seeing it, he's grown* and he's different.

I still expect him to eat, get changed, and then fall asleep - but no, he's a little person who wants to play.  He smiles and likes to be talked to...

So many times we'd just hope he'd fall asleep so we can go and finish our other things...

Something else Jackie brings with her: a suitcase full of presents.  Wow, so much love from the UK. 

* It seems her only disappointment was not coming sooner as James is not as small as he was: when it comes to babies, she says "the smaller the better".  She didn't seem worried when the ultrasounds predicted him to be too small -- and she was right, he's doing pretty well, though still not on the growth charts.

Waiting... Here!

Me: Guess what?









Me: Grandma is coming!

Me: But not until 5 PM.  We'll have to wait. For 10 hours.
James: *blink* *blink*

Three hours later -- still waiting... Maybe time for a nap. (And milk, and diaper change, and another nap...)

At 4 PM... 
James: Is she really coming? 

Me: Yep!  Not long now. Just one more hour! 

Me: She's here!

And she brought friends: Giraffe, Monkey, and Bunny! 

(Me to Paul: Not kids, right?  Just friends.).

Two Month Follow-Up

James is now 8 lbs 6 oz!  The rate of growth is not as impressive as the 4 weeks before, but it's still an above average rate.

Though the diapers are still "bad" (green goo), I think James has been slightly happier and less cry-y... Anyway, the pediatrician has given the go ahead for part 2 of the food experiment: I go off the diet.  Yay!  Chocolate and cheese and bread and crackers!  Though I was probably a little over strict (soy oil turns out to be o.k. as it does not contain soy protein)

I thought being able to eat would me happy, but it was really after a one hour nap that things started looking / feeling a bit up.

Fingers crossed this all works.

Life and Taxes

I cooked a meal!  The experience wasn't quite the picture in my head, but it almost felt normal.  And there were only a handful of interruptions...

Paul was so good: He took care of James during cooking and the taxes. (James's bouncy seat is currently the tax filing basket.  Our financial lives are more complicated by the year... and the part with James hasn't even kicked in yet.)  But it wasn't without its toll:

In other news:

• Paul's photo made it to Flickr Explore!  It's "Flickr's way of showcasing the most interesting photos within a given point in time -- usually over a 24 hour period."
• Paul's last concert with CSO is now done.  
• I had another check up with Dr. Robinson.  I tried to explain that things were better, but she still seemed concerned about me.  At least I took her advice to see a RMHC.
• Visited an RMHC (Reproductive Mental Health Counsellor) - spent most of the hour trying to explain how really I was already doing much better, but also the way my Mom bothered me, was normal Chinese Mom stuff.  Yes, boundaries are important, but there was no way I was not opening the door if she's standing there on my doorstep (eventhough it's unannounced or specifically told not to).  (It would be the "English/Western Equivalent" of slamming the door in her face.)
• Opened Cynthia's baby shower gift - it had some of the cutest wrapping paper (below).

Paul and James (at 8 weeks old)

Sometimes they're really good together.

The blooper reel:

(Left: "Bleh!")

(Right: "Hey!  Did you get that?  I was trying hard to be all calm and cool... you got it right? Wait, wait, I'll try again.")

Item 232 to 276

Taken over a month to get these days / items.  Better late than nothing.

"Day 22": Again, remember the "Simplify Processes" tip.  The simplest, though painful, is to just throw things out - that's were some of this stuff goes...

1 - Empty ice wine bottle
2 - Broken dishes - originally kept for photo project / mosaic project... will just have to break more dishes when we need them :P

2 - Pairs of sweatpants - hand-me-ups from Kevin.  The legs are short even for me how did they ever fit him? :P  Now that I feel the cold, they don't really work.
1 - Pair of runners size 1 - brand new, likely bought for Kevin and then passed on to me.  I could wait for James to grow into them... or pass them along to a good home (Found someone who can use them!).

1 - Small (medium?) stack of CGA magazines - 15 issues dated between May/June 2006 and March/April 2012. The articles always looked like great discussions and updates in the field (more technical than the CPA magazines) -- so I kept them thinking I'll eventually read them to keep up with what was happening industry... but they're probably outdated by now.  Yes, these moved with me from my parents' place.


2 - Pairs of ill-fitting pyjama pants - one made by Mom back in the day (20 years ago?), one a peach satin Hello Kitty hand-me-up (you can guess from whom)
2 - Beige brown sweaters - big, formless and what I thought would be good as maternity-wear, but was not flattering at all
2 - Glass jam jars
1 - Another empty cooking sherry bottle!
1 - CD "Congradulations! Class of 2004" - The music was familiar, but (maybe to be expected) of it's time and not that interesting now.
7 - Belts in various conditions, saved from Theresa for salvage

"Day 23" - More magazines:

1. Martha Stewart Living, September 2008 - "75 Pretty and Practical Decorating Ideas"; Between MS and decorating / renovating, this probably could have gone much earlier.  But, it was still fun to flip through.  One day, maybe I will frame my pictures and create custom photo mats... but not soon.

2.CPA Magazine, September 2015 - Didn't read "The Brainy Bunch" cover story of a family of 13 CPAs, but the regular columns on ethics ("The Right Thing") and "Canadian Issues" still very interesting and relevant.

3. Vanity Fair, July 2010 - Did skip some articles, but not the cover stories.  Wow to both "Liz Taylor and Richard Burton's Romance of the Century" and "The Untold Story Behind Michael Jackson's "Thriller"".

4. CPA Magazine, September 2014 - "The Next Warren Buffett?"
5. CPA Magazine, March 2015 - "The Postman"
6. CPA Magazine, January/February 2016 - "Education Special"
7. CPA Magazine, June/July 2015 - "The Future is Now"

8. Vanity Fair, September 2012 - "Our 7th Annual Style Issue" - Kate Middleton and Prince Harry make the 2012 International Best-Dress List; Lots of beautiful photos, but realised I wasn't that keen on reading the fashion articles.

9. Maclean's, January 12, 2015 - "The Shrinking Teenage Brain" - Article claims "poor decisions and bad parenting are doing lasting damage."  Great!  More for me to worry about.

10. Bust, Dec/Jan 2007 - Parker Posey on the cover - Librarian Fashion I can get with, but everything else, while really not that different from older issues, seems like a whole different life I can't really relate to any more.

11. Vanity Fair, March 2011 - "The One and Only Hollywood Issue!" - Beautiful photos of beautiful people.  Lost the appetite to read about this world too, but the article on the Thelma & Louise reunion makes me so want to watch the movie.

12. Martha Stewart Living, June 2006 - "Summer Delights" - Beautiful roses in the garden and in the vase. Perhaps most impressed with the arrangements that are solely hostas - I grow those!  But when they're actually out, there's already so much green, not likely to take them inside.  Painting furniture sounds fun, but will I actually go to the trouble of fading my own fabrics to get the antique / vintage look?  No.  No I won't.

13. Discover, November 2005 - "Will Humans Last Another 10,00 Years?" - From Catherine.  Ten years later, it's surprising some of these things are still making news or are relevant such as "Do antibiotics make us sicker?" and still, developing a bra with good support.  The adverts are also kind of fun: Jewelry with gems created in the lab for flawlessness (the tagline "Brains Conquer Beauty") - certainly someone interested in science would also be more interested in that aspect.













14. New Trail, Spring 2016 - "Move, adapt or die." - Climate change.

15. Ode, October 2008 - "The Upside of Down: Why failure is good for you." - The magazine's tag is "For intelligent optimists".  Stories on things with potential and positive solutions.  But are some articles too optimistic?  The electric car still seems so far away (even after 7 years).  Adverts are much more touchy- feely compared to "Discover".

16. New Trail, Winter 2011 - " Tara Whitten's Winning Ways"
17. New Trail, Autumn 2011 - "Dan Riskin "Bat-man" takes on science TV on Daily Planet"
18. New Trail, Spring 2011 - "Spruce Meadows: The Southerns create a show jumping Eden"
19. New Trail, Spring 2013 - "The Magic Touch: Randy Marsden is on a mission to make a dirty world a safer place"

20. Green Space AB 2008 - Sponsored by the Gov't of Alberta - something like an advert, some things still not implemented 

21. Techlife, V 6.2 2013 - NAIT's alumni magazine has some interesting features - some I hope we will see soon in the supermarket: Lentil and pulses made into cake mixes!  A very tempting healthy choice.  

22. Avenue Magazine, November 2015 - "Top Forty under Forty Class of 2015" - Congratulations, Leslie!  

23. New Trail, Autumn 2012 - "On the Front Lines: The Global Impact of Virology Research at the U of A"

James and the Box

"Daddy, why do I sleep in a box?"

Mummy's pretty cheap and it was free...

Well, not completely free, there's all those surveys and finding someone willing to meet and talk with us for an hour a week (the mentor)...  But also because there's the pilot study!  And the good results from other programs showing it's good for moms and babies...

The BBC News Magazine article "Why babies all over the world are now sleeping in boxes" by Vanessa Barford talks about why the boxes are trending all around the world. 

It's neat to see the "Bakarat Bundle" in India uses the same box as us (Hm... do they have bears there?  Is it weirder for them to have bears on their boxes, or for bears [a predator!] to be featured in general?) but with very different things inside.   

The article has this to say about the University of Calgary pilot we're part of: 

Karen Benzies, a professor of nursing at the University of Calgary, says the original intention was to target vulnerable families, but they soon realised "the idea of vulnerability that most people have around low income doesn't necessarily hold true in Alberta". It's a province that has done well out of the oil and gas industry, but when men stay away working on oil rigs for weeks at a time, that creates a different kind of problem - as new mothers are left alone with a new baby.

"Our goal is to support first-time families transitioning from pregnancy to parenting," says Benzies.

A key element of this is mentoring. Every mother and father has to identify a mentor who agrees to be in contact - via phone or in person - about 20 times from when the mother is 32 weeks pregnant to six months after the birth. 

Another innovation in the Canadian boxes is a "crib-side assistance" booklet for fathers, to encourage them to bond with the child. Modelled on a car-repair manual it provides a do-it-yourself guide to burping ("You know how good it feels to burp sometimes?") underlines the importance of "fuel" (mother's milk) and explains how to "look under the hood" for those inevitable nappy problems, because "keeping your new model clean and comfortable is important".

Are we vulnerable?  I have lots of support from my Mom... in the practicalities and day-to-day, but it's my mentor, Erica, who's been providing a bulk of the emotional and mental support.  We'd likely still be in contact without the program, but it gives us a good reason to meet / talk even when we're tired or it's crazy.  Paul's also good, telling me I'm doing a good job... but it's still hard: lots of changes and we need to work to be nice to each other... (He did not like the "crib-side baby manual".)

Anyway, the box is also portable so we can be out in the living room.  And, it's pretty good for peek-a-boo.

A Trick with the Eyes

 Hey...

 Hey... Mummy! 

 Look what I can do!

Nice, right? 

  
OK, what next?

_______ when he sleeps...

"Sleep when he sleeps..." seems to be the "newborn golden rule".  But how do people do it?

I've been thinking about it for a while.

If I slept when he slept, when would there be a chance to go to the washroom, cook, etc.?

I know I've been stretching it trying to clean, tidy up, see people, answer emails in his sleeping (my waking hours) and I feel rough.  More rough than I did a couple weeks ago.  I must have used up all my reserves... and there's not much to look forward to at the moment (this weekend will be me doing taxes).

And what Mom said "What would you eat if I wasn't here?"  She thinks he's difficult right now (I actually think we're in a good stretch).  Anyway, I try to reassure her (and myself ): Paul would cook and I would probably cook too, but in big batches.  Oh, and simple one pot meals (nothing like these feasts and complicated soups they've been making me).  And yes, the microwave!  Fresh cooking or recooking items every meal takes a long time.  I also don't say, but know I'd probably cook while wearing him if he doesn't want to settle...

I wonder too if I'd sleep more or less if she's not here.  Less available time (she's not here to hold / soothe him), but fewer expectations too (less cleaning). 

Two Tastes: Eggplant and Yoso

It's been a year since I've had eggplant.

Angela and Mom's (most recent) Chinese-Medicine-Based food book deemed it wasn't good for pregnant women, and not a good choice either for sitting the month (something about the uterus... cleans out the system too much?)

Mom made it for me today and it was delicious. With garlic, salt, and ginger... it's the same softness and creaminess that I remember and can never replicate (because I'm not patient enough and I never add enough oil).  She, however, said it was tasteless because she couldn't add soy or oyster sauce... I don't miss it. 

But there are other things I do miss like yogurt and ice cream... Erica found me a comparable (dairy-free and gluten-free) treat: Yoso.  It's "Premium Creamy Cultured Coconut".  It's like a chocolatey and coconut yogurt and pudding cup in one.  Yum.

Hacking Through It

Have I gone yet a whole week without speaking to Health Link or one of the clinic nurses?

Last night: James's cry went hoarse and I got scared.  Is it because it was just too hot in the house these past few days?  Up to 24 degrees in the late afternoon and evening, still Mom had him wrapped up... and I had him in the k-tan which is also against my body.  Checked temperature - o.k.

Tonight: The hoarse cry actually sounded a little better.  Crying at full volume and with clarity never sounded so good (i.e. it was at least normal).  But while I could settle him down last night by holding and rocking him, it didn't work much today.

Mom would take over and walk around with him.  And then I would take a turn.  It wasn't constant crying, but again, when we put him down thinking he was a sleep, he would startle awake and wail.  And then cry and cry...

Mom was rattled, and I was getting there too.  I thought he was getting better, but amount of crying seems worse.  The a rash on his left cheek is still there, and now there's a patch on the back of his neck too.  He would snort (stuffed up nose) and choke on his own cries.

I called Health Link.  A 20-minute assessment later, I was told it's probably minor congestion, and to try saline drops and a humidifier.  However, if he didn't seem better and his stool is still green and mucusy we should follow up with a doctor.  But his follow up appointment is next week and we already sort of know about his stools.  It's dairy and soy... right?  I hope it's not anything worse.

Whereas before he slept too much (four hour stretches "wake up little one, you need to eat.") now it seems he can't sleep for more than an hour before becoming uncomfortable.

Paul comes home during one of these quiet hours.  He takes over while I get some sleep.  It's hard: I can hear James crying at one point.

But, when I changed his diaper, he seemed to be a happier version of himself (not crying -- what the heck is normal any more?!)  I don't even begrudge him for peeing all over himself.

We then have some play time, the three of us.  Fingers crossed he is on the recovery.

(How has it been two weeks since the pediatric appt?  Feels much longer ago.  How is it been I've been home for almost two months?  Feels so much less.)

Lunch at GongGong and PoPo's

"He's only a little ugly now."

"Uh, thanks...?"

Guess I shouldn't give Kevin a hard time: Newborns are cute because they're small, but they're often also wrinkly... and mottled... and crying...

And, Kevin says he was ugly too (and look at him now :P)


First visit to GongGong and PoPo's was certainly an event / production.  I brought lots of stuff.  Theresa took many photos. 

James was pretty quiet during the actual meal.  Kevin made up for it by talking about ice cream.  Apparently, Costco's was as good as Marble Slab (though lacking the variety), and that he'll take James out for ice cream when he's older... and that he could really enjoy some ice cream right now.  Yeesh!  Stop it already! 

It's already hard enough to eat.  Even food made at my parents I need to wash just in case it's coated in soy sauce or other sauces with MSG.  Taste-wise, I'm happy for it to all be less salty, but it's so much work.  And there's no "washing" of ice cream...


After lunch we squeezed in a short visit with Auntie Ada.  So many kisses.

She looks older than I remember.  A photo of Uncle Johnny surrounded by candles and flowers takes up a fifth of her kitchen table.  Pictures of the grandkids fill the fridge door and walls - they're growing up! Sophia dances ballet... Adam plays violin and soccer... not sure about Simon, but he bigger.

She kept saying "Now that you're a momma..."  But, I'm not sure I understand or know any different... yet.  But, when James was crying (see photos) he probably needed some food. 

Things I Did Wrong

1. Fell asleep with James in my arms after nursing him on the couch.
2. Took him to bed with me when he wouldn't settle down.
3. Left him to gurgle on his own when he was awake instead of playing with him.
4. Wearing him in the k'tan and eating -- leaving crumbs on his head.

But he's pretty happy today and I'm got some sleep...
Chalking this up to just doing what I have to do.

On Nails

James is restless and fussy.  I tried wearing him again and yes, he calmed down and fell asleep.  A win, right?  But is that what we want?  Him having these long stretches of sleep during the day?  Le sigh.  Is this a sign that something is wrong?

Well, either way, he was still enough for me to get a clipper onto his tiny finger nails.  Not sure when it happened, but his nails are no longer soft enough just peel.  (Soon they'll be stronger than mine!)

Adventure: An Outdoor Jaunt

Don't tell anyone: I left the house with James on my own! A historic event!

All wrapped up in the K'Tan carrier, James probably didn't even noticed how beautiful the weather is - but I did.  Spring must surely be here.  I exam the front yard: The tulips looked even better up close, and 2 out of 3 haksap / honeyberry bushes have come back for sure (the other, maybe).

My newborn foal legs - all unbalanced again with James in my front took us to  Mandolin Books & Coffee without incident.  We picked up a birthday gift, and turned back -- bumping into Paul!  A nice surprise.  We held hands on the short walk -- and it triggered a image/memory in my head (something I'd imagined being a parent would be like, before James came).

Anyway, I was exhilarated.  (Which probably means I do have a problem...)

James seemed pretty happy too.