Not Abby

Emma (yelling at my midsection): "Abs!  Come out, come out, wherever you are!" 

Me: "I think Mama's abs are going to stay hiding." 

Cultured and Diet Diversity

Reading and immensely enjoying (thanks, Kevin!) Cultured: How Ancient Foods Can Feed Our Microbiome by Katherine Harmon Courage.  I know part of why I like it is that "I'm in the choir" (plants are good for you, your gut biome is important--especially for the brain), but it's also very readable, and fun to go on her travel adventures to discover / learn about cultured foods.

Anyway, it comes at the right time: my mood is low, I don't feel healthy, and I'm getting worried / frustrated with my diet restrictions.

Harmon talks about the benefits of a plant diet for their fibres and action as prebiotics, and concludes at some point that more fibres and more differnt types of fibres the better and that in the past, humans definitely ate a more diverse array of plants.  At one point she refers to 100+ species of plants as a benchmark for diversity in a type of cuisine.

Um... so back to examining my plate: What do I eat?  What can I eat right now?  My list has 78, but that's really over the whole year and most are occasional / seasonal*.  On a regular day, maybe between 5-10.

Though the premise might not be complete (what about our bodies and microbes evolving to handle seasonal availability of plants?), I think I will try to make it a goal to try new plants... once I'm OK with having more different kinds of foods.  I would also love to try more of these cultured foods -- I'm hoping they'll fill in the gaps of what I'm missing right now.

* Also, am I cheating by including spices?  Yikes, and how many of these are actually the same species and I'm just eating a cultivar / variation?

What I can / do eat right now:

1. Apples 
2. Oats
3. Rice (brown usually)
4. Flax 
5. Oranges (mandarin, navel, kumquats)
6. Onions 
7. Pears 
8. Bananas 
9. Carrots 
10. Garlic 
11. Grapefruit 
12. Cinnamon
13. Tomatoes (fresh, canned, sundried)
14. Celery 
15. Green Onions 
16. Grapes (Red and Green)
17. Amaranth (greens, seeds?)
18. Coconut
19. Mangoes 
20. Yu Choy 
21. Bok Choy 
22. Spinach 
23. Chickpeas 
24. Broccoli 
25. Cauliflower 
26. Ginger 
27. Lentils (red, green, brown) 
28. Lemon 
29. Cilantro (ground and leafy)
30. Blueberries 
31. Strawberries 
32. Peaches 
33. Plums
34. Bell peppers 
35. Quinoa 
36. Green beans 
37. Kidney beans 
38. Black-eyed peas 
39. Beets (roots and greens)
40. Potatoes 
41. Squash (Zucchini, Pumpkin, butternut)
42. Kale 
43. Cranberries
44. Cherries 
45. Apricots
46. Dates 
47. Swiss Chard 
48. Mushrooms (white, brown, cremini, shittake) 
49. Chia 
50. Avocado 
51. Sunflower seeds 
52. Rosemary 
53. Turmeric 
54. Cumin
55. Basil 
56. Oregano
57. Raspberries 
58. Blackberries 
59. Napa cabbage 
60. Olives 
61. Watermelon 
62. Cucumber
63. Eggplant 
64. Brussels sprouts
65. Daikon radish
66. Figs
67. Sweet potato
68. Asparagus
69. Yams
70. Lychee
71. Papaya
72. Pineapple
73. Tapioca
74. Bitter melon
75. Ya Pear
76. Mint
77. Mustard
78. Lettuce

Soon, maybe? Fingers crossed, I can add these back in: 

1. Almonds 
2. Peanuts 
3. Soy
4. Sesame
5. Corn 
6. Wheat 
7. Barley 
8. Cashew 
9. Walnuts 
10. Cocoa powder (who am I kidding? It'll be chocolate)
11. Pistachios

I am sick

I missed out on office Xmas party.  Le sigh.  I just hope they managed to present my slideshow -- it was so much work!

Actual work I'm not so worried about now that we have 2 new FAs to deal with setups, and (my?) student Annie can upload journals.  The day to day is covered.

I got a hint of what a vacation day could be like... except I needed to be near the bathroom, and I'm feeling weak. I guess this is what James had 3 days ago?

Will I lose some weight?

No appetite at all yesterday, but this afternoon, feeling better, tentative to eat again.  Maybe I'll feel stronger, maybe it'll all run through me.  UGH.

I try to do some basic household chores.  Woah, is this laundry basket always so heavy? Is this what my Mom means? (She complained even that our plates are too heavy.)  Is this what I have to look forward to as I get even older?

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This is what I missed: 

- Pass-the-parcel with fork and knife:

- an awesome ugly sweater contest. 

Look!  My slideshow is playing the background!

You're no longer my favourite toy...

Took James in for another set of immunizations. This time Mom held James.  I'm not sure which one is better... will he just associate us holding him as something painful will happen?  And I still wanted to cry when he cried.  But, he recovered quickly.  All better, like nothing happened.

He is now 5.76 kg and 56.5 cm long.  Which means he's (due-date adjusted):
- 20th percentile for weight
- (but only) 3-5th for height!

Yikes!  He's turning into a ball!*


We've graduated to the next "All About Me" brochure in the Alberta Health Services Growth and Development Series.  I'm no longer his favourite toy!  (If ever I was.)  It's a small blow.  Bound to happen, but it feels like I missed out on something. 



It's hot and there was more hail.

We're safely inside and there's more tummy time.

* Not really.  I know this is healthy for him and I shouldn't worry about it.  But there's still the twinge in my mind: what if he ends up chubby like  me?

Busting out!

James is now 12 lbs 1 oz (5.48 kg) and 0.57 m long!  No wonder my wrists hurt from picking him up!

But really, at 16.5 weeks old, he's in the 3rd percentile for weight, and still not on the chart for height.  Not to worry about being rounder than long, or too small: the pediatrician said he's growing well and on the curve.

It was a good check-up.  Most of my questions were confirmed as normal or common or not of concern. Though, since he's been extra fussy these past few days and over 10 lbs, she's upped his antacid dosage.

His development milestones are going fairly well too: He's been rolling more and more to his side when on the change table and starting to grab things there.

Hopefully the new dosage will get him back to a better sleep. Then I'm to experiment with dairy again.

Evening out: Urgent Care

From 7:30 to 10 PM, we were in Urgent Care*.  James was disturbingly good -- sleeping, nursing, mostly quiet -- since we were there for him: While wearing him in the soft carrier, I'd tripped on a curb.

We'd been on our way to Highlands School for a paleontology presentation, talking and walking, and then I was on all fours and James was screaming. 

He'd quieted down by the time Paul had tracked down a neighbour to drive us to the clinic, but we were still worried -- he didn't touch the ground, but was he broken?  Is there some internal damage / whiplash? 

The triage staff didn't think so (so we weren't rushed in).  The doctor said he seemed fine.  Next time if he doesn't stop crying, isn't willing to nurse... other falls and such, to go to the Stollery Children's Centre. 

Back at home, he started crying and I soothed him to sleep.  Then I started crying: we could have lost him.  And it would have been my fault.  We were so lucky. 

And, we are so lucky to have such good neighbours: So grateful to Jamie and Claude for giving us the rides. 
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* Urgent care services are for people who have unexpected but non-life-threatening health concerns that usually require same-day treatment. Some examples include broken bones, sprains, lacerations, asthma, dehydration, pain and infections.
All patients are according to the urgency of their health condition, with the sickest patients being seen first.

*Poke, poke* Ex Machina

"Hey, James!" Poke, poke.  "Wake up!"

Theresa treats James like a toy.  If she's there, then he should be ready to play.  Celina tried to stop her, but she is relentless.

Was so relieved that when he woke up he wasn't screaming.

Theresa says she still feels a bit responsible / guilty about James coming early (she'd heard the due date and said it would be better if he came before Mar 1, then he could go to school earlier and be done faster...)  I told her it's alright -- see, James is fine now... (not that it's been a cake walk... and I'm not sure I'd want him to start earlier etc. )

She looks at me like I'm crazy... or more likely, "he's doing fine, but look at you!"  I know, I know, even if I feel better, I don't look it.


Anyway, it was a tiring day.  James wanted to eat every 2 hours so little else was done, but I managed at least to get his medicine down.  I think he's better for it.  (Much better than yesterday's screaming, and spit up right after the meds -- I was too worried about overdosing to give him more.)

Paul and my attempted a date afternoon / something normal (like before) and it sort of worked.  We watched Ex Machina through the EPL portal and were only interrupted a few times by you-know-who.  I know it annoys Paul a lot to be interrupted, but at least the interruptions were brief this time and we finished the movie!  (We both liked it though we had different interpretations about the meaning of the ending.)

(Left: "Bunny, protect me!")

When you see this face (below) (and not just the crying /screaming version) it certainly doesn't seem quite so bad.

Butterfly and Bee

So, after and 3 years (and another hour*.  I now have Asterlea butterfly wing earrings from Sabrina butterfly!  (Thanks, Jackie.)

* Since it always takes me forever to make a decision, and there was a lot of choice. 

It was such a nice outing.  James charmed the sales girl at Sabrina -- buying me more time to flip through the cards of earrings, and text Erica to help me decide (everyday or something with with dramatic impact...?).

And, putting hte stroller in par, I had a chance to check out the front garden. 

It has gone wild: and it's probably better for it.  The chives are in bud (left); my haskap (honeyberry) has berried (right)!  The kale left from last year decided to come back, and its riot of yellow flowers attracted bees (below).  Life and time goes on even though I'm a bit on hold...

My good mood, unfortunately, ended at night: James was unhappy and refused to drink out of the bottle.  Such a relief when he finally stopped crying and fell asleep (through no help of mine). 

My hair is falling out now.  Bleh.  So many strands, every time I run my fingers through it, releasing it from the ponytail... but thankfully, not in clumps.

Popo v. Grandma or Check and Check

A super productive morning -- mania (at the sight of deadline) wins again! 

Woke up early and the dishwasher's on, the laundry's on... clean laundry is folded, we all managed to have breakfast and lunch... all according to plan.  But then Mom arrives and she has a completely different plan.

Ugh.  She didn't even notice how well we were managing without her (though of course, most of it has been Jackie...)


I try not to let it bother me, instead I remind Jackie to not get into fisticuffs over grandmother supremacy.  And then off to the dentist! 

Dr. Ferguson: It all looks boring.
Me: Yay!

It took an extra 1/2 hour longer than expected, but still happy with the results: no cavities!  And an eye exam last week said I had healthy eyes with no changes (just tired from lack of sleep).  

I'd heard with pregnancy:
1. Eyes will change dramatically, and
2. Teeth will also weaken (lose a tooth per baby)...
So does this mean I'm in the clear?  I hope so, since my work health benefits don't continue through my mat leave (though Paul's work has some coverage). 

I return home to find James bathed and a new batch of "red" eggs dyed.  So things went well.  Jackie said she mostly observed what my mom did.  And Mom was happy Grandma was paying so much attention to how things are done*.  Well, good then.  

* Though that doesn't mean that's the way I will actually do them.

Painfully Obvious?

When Charlotte said "Babies do feel pain", I thought of course*.  But it turns out I don't know how to identify it.

Jackie tries to assure me that I'm doing great and that James is thriving.  But it's hard to believe that when I now know he's been screaming in pain.

I'd thought he was just fussy; he didn't like this or that or wanted to be held... And that babies cry...

But Jackie watching closely sees the pattern: He wakes up screaming, knees pulled up tight.  We hold and rock him for 10-15 minutes before he eventually stops -- but it's not out of comfort, rather exhaustion.  He's in pain.  

I didn't think there was much of an improvement when I started the CMPA diet, but now I think I'm  just not sensitive / observant enough.  All other things equal (we've been giving him a prescription antacid for reflux [Prevacid], and keeping him upright for ~15 minutes after a feeding), he's been worse since I stopped the diet. 

I'm now back on it -- wish only I'd figured it out earlier, so he'd have suffered less.  Jackie tells me not to beat myself up: we're working on it, we're doing our best.  Is it enough?
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* Wikipedia's entry on Pain in Babies, indicates in late 19th and early 20th century "It was generally believed that babies would not remember any pain that they happened to feel, and that lack of conscious memory meant lack of long-term harm." and "As recently as 1999, it was commonly stated that babies could not feel pain until they were a year old."

Two Month Follow-Up

James is now 8 lbs 6 oz!  The rate of growth is not as impressive as the 4 weeks before, but it's still an above average rate.

Though the diapers are still "bad" (green goo), I think James has been slightly happier and less cry-y... Anyway, the pediatrician has given the go ahead for part 2 of the food experiment: I go off the diet.  Yay!  Chocolate and cheese and bread and crackers!  Though I was probably a little over strict (soy oil turns out to be o.k. as it does not contain soy protein)

I thought being able to eat would me happy, but it was really after a one hour nap that things started looking / feeling a bit up.

Fingers crossed this all works.

Hacking Through It

Have I gone yet a whole week without speaking to Health Link or one of the clinic nurses?

Last night: James's cry went hoarse and I got scared.  Is it because it was just too hot in the house these past few days?  Up to 24 degrees in the late afternoon and evening, still Mom had him wrapped up... and I had him in the k-tan which is also against my body.  Checked temperature - o.k.

Tonight: The hoarse cry actually sounded a little better.  Crying at full volume and with clarity never sounded so good (i.e. it was at least normal).  But while I could settle him down last night by holding and rocking him, it didn't work much today.

Mom would take over and walk around with him.  And then I would take a turn.  It wasn't constant crying, but again, when we put him down thinking he was a sleep, he would startle awake and wail.  And then cry and cry...

Mom was rattled, and I was getting there too.  I thought he was getting better, but amount of crying seems worse.  The a rash on his left cheek is still there, and now there's a patch on the back of his neck too.  He would snort (stuffed up nose) and choke on his own cries.

I called Health Link.  A 20-minute assessment later, I was told it's probably minor congestion, and to try saline drops and a humidifier.  However, if he didn't seem better and his stool is still green and mucusy we should follow up with a doctor.  But his follow up appointment is next week and we already sort of know about his stools.  It's dairy and soy... right?  I hope it's not anything worse.

Whereas before he slept too much (four hour stretches "wake up little one, you need to eat.") now it seems he can't sleep for more than an hour before becoming uncomfortable.

Paul comes home during one of these quiet hours.  He takes over while I get some sleep.  It's hard: I can hear James crying at one point.

But, when I changed his diaper, he seemed to be a happier version of himself (not crying -- what the heck is normal any more?!)  I don't even begrudge him for peeing all over himself.

We then have some play time, the three of us.  Fingers crossed he is on the recovery.

(How has it been two weeks since the pediatric appt?  Feels much longer ago.  How is it been I've been home for almost two months?  Feels so much less.)

Lunch at GongGong and PoPo's

"He's only a little ugly now."

"Uh, thanks...?"

Guess I shouldn't give Kevin a hard time: Newborns are cute because they're small, but they're often also wrinkly... and mottled... and crying...

And, Kevin says he was ugly too (and look at him now :P)


First visit to GongGong and PoPo's was certainly an event / production.  I brought lots of stuff.  Theresa took many photos. 

James was pretty quiet during the actual meal.  Kevin made up for it by talking about ice cream.  Apparently, Costco's was as good as Marble Slab (though lacking the variety), and that he'll take James out for ice cream when he's older... and that he could really enjoy some ice cream right now.  Yeesh!  Stop it already! 

It's already hard enough to eat.  Even food made at my parents I need to wash just in case it's coated in soy sauce or other sauces with MSG.  Taste-wise, I'm happy for it to all be less salty, but it's so much work.  And there's no "washing" of ice cream...


After lunch we squeezed in a short visit with Auntie Ada.  So many kisses.

She looks older than I remember.  A photo of Uncle Johnny surrounded by candles and flowers takes up a fifth of her kitchen table.  Pictures of the grandkids fill the fridge door and walls - they're growing up! Sophia dances ballet... Adam plays violin and soccer... not sure about Simon, but he bigger.

She kept saying "Now that you're a momma..."  But, I'm not sure I understand or know any different... yet.  But, when James was crying (see photos) he probably needed some food. 

Hip Hoorray!

James was only days old when one of the pediatricians thought there was something wrong with his hip.  Though he wasn't the usual demographic for hip dysplasia (first born, female) she sent in the referral.

Luckily, everything is OK.  Whew!  After a month of "wait and see" and then an ultrasound, Dr. Chow saw us today and said it looked good: James's hip is normal and we don't need to go back for a followup!  Such a relief (since surgery might have been required -- in the worst cases). 

And, he didn't pee during the examination!  (Which wasn't the case with our first visit: "I'm so used to seeing girls, I forgot I needed to be careful with boys.")

I also felt pretty proud this morning: I was "ahead of the game".  This meant, when my Dad arrived 15 minutes earlier than our agreed time, I was ready to leave.  (Making him wait at all means I'm late.)  That didn't seem to make my Mom fuss any less though.  

Anyway, good news all round except... Well, not sure if James is going through a growth spurt.  He seems to wants to feed every hour.  I'm back to thinking about not producing enough milk

I punched the wall

Just when I start to relax, something else happens.


Yesterday doctor's appointment (for James) had an entourage.  Today it was just for me* (Dad drove). 

I return home to find mom's used her time here to start throwing things out again -- my things.  Yes, they were dead plants.  Yes, I was planning on doing it anyway.  But it was to be ON MY OWN TERMS!  

Me: I am so ANGRY!  I could start breaking things! ARG!  

Mom: Have you gone crazy?! 

Me: Yes, I am crazy!  Crazy enough to show up at your house and start throwing things out and rearranging your life!  

And then I hit the wall.  

Which of course accomplished nothing. 

One nice thing: all this adrenaline is making me feel more awake and alive than I have in ages.  But the energy is mostly fueling these thoughts: If I don't do some thing, things are going to happen to me (again and again).  More vigilance.  I can't rest, or everything will be turned upside down again. 

My things are the only tangible things I have control over (since eating, sleeping, things I do in the house, going out -- are all monitored, supervised). And, I don't even have that. 

I don't know how to prove that this isn't crazy.  I want to cry.

I know I wouldn't hurt James.  But it seems I can't guarantee the same for myself (i.e. my hand hurts).

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*My (approximately) six week checkup.  It's funny my last obstetrician appointment would actually be the first with the doctor assigned to me.  Dr. Sacks was just covering for her mat leave.

Expressing, Milk, Mom...

I'm still recording: how much and when I feed James, his diapers... I know it's a bit obsessive, but I do think it's helping me with patterns.  For one, it shows me how far I've gotten with pumping milk.

The amounts started off so small, I couldn't get ahead.  When, so tired, I fumbled and knocked over a bottle, spilling about 10 ml, I teared up.  And when Paul tried to make me laugh ("Don't cry over split milk.") I almost hit him.  It's not just milk!  It's time not sleeping or doing something I'd actually like.  It's the food I don't necessarily want to eat, but do so that the milk is nutrient rich...

Anyway, a breakthrough today: I filled a bottle.  Over 150 ml (5 oz.).  Yay!  The next session was a little lower than average, but it overall we're ahead.  I'm less worried there not being enough for his next feed...

At the follow-up with Dr. N --

Good: He's now 3.145 kg = 6 pounds 14.9 oz
Bad: Cow's Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA)

But it's still confusing.  She says it's not conclusive, because he's gaining weight, his eczema isn't that bad.  His diapers still show up green and slimey, but there has been an improvement (less fussiness and crying) now I've cut out dairy and soy (that I know of).

I've been trying to figure out timing.  From me eating something to it (traces...) appearing in breastmilk can take a few hours... but also it can take more than a few weeks to flush it out both of our systems.

Anyway, there's a lot of work ahead, such as reading labels.  So many hidden sources, I'm glad there's this cheatsheet / handout from Kelly Mom.  It seems like soy is everything...

It seems every time I think I'm getting the hang of it, things change.

But I still think if my Mom wasn't here it would be easier to establish a manageable / sustainable routine.  Is it stupid?  I know I can't do all the stuff she does... but she's doing a bunch of things we'd never do... However, there are also good things she's doing that I wish we did... No picking and choosing; it all comes in the same package.

Ergonomic Baby Care and Summer Out, Winter In

My hands hurt.  My body hurts.  I feel cold.

First two make sense: James is a little heavier than before, and lugging him around, plus bad nursing posture isn't helping.  (Though, Charlotte says he's light -- it's all relative).  So, to the internet!

- WebMD's "Correct Posture for Holding and Picking Up Babies" video has at least one tip I think will help (move James closer before picking him).
- Baby Products Mom (though with a scary name) also has some great ideas for setting up the nursery in an ergonomic way "Tips to Make Parenting Easier…On You"

The third, however, is strange -- outside there is record warm weather (+18 as the high), and the heat in the house is still turned up (originally for James, but it seems I need it too).  I'm still wearing thick socks and a hoodie.  Can not enough sleep be causing this?

Aunties C & C and a Pattern?

Charlotte and Catherine came for a visit today!

Catherine is (another) natural -- she knew what to do with James and was happy to do it.  I had to ask: Did she play with dolls?  The answer was yes.  She even had that doll I remember from television, the one that "drinks" from the bottle and its nappy gets wet.  I wonder if that's part of my problem (I didn't play with dolls, I'm kind of scared of them -- though I might be mixing up the cause with the effect).



















Haven't seen Charlotte in a while, so we needed updates: 1. She's half contemplating becoming a ninja (they're taking applications... and Mike would love to too...)  2. They're looking for a new car.    

Charlotte wasn't jumping to hold James (she's got 3 of her own after all), and when she did she said he was light :)  I appreciated how candid she was about post-partum depression.  And she's had near-death birthing complications...  I asked and she told me about getting to the point of not caring about all the judgement (I hope I can get there).

She also brought me a BabyBjorn, an adjustable, ergonomic carrier.  It's so cool!  And Charlotte says Lucas (and Mike) loved it.  But James isn't big enough for it yet (min 8 lbs).

I've also considered making a "Moby" or monkey sling... but that would require time and energy.

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I think I see a pattern now with James: there's a good day, then a bad day... and then repeat.

Or maybe I'm the one who has a good day and then my hopes get up too high.

(Below: Paul and an uncertain James / Further below: James, certainly crying)

Was a little scared when the area around the incision starting hurting a few days ago.  Maybe just cramps?  I'm trying not to think of Angela's story about how the stitches inside can tear.  It's not red and puffy like other signs of infection... just need to rest and keep an eye on it I guess.

Where is the love?

I didn't mind confessing to Beth.  Maybe it's because she knows so many other moms and they've been through this.  Or maybe because she'd already had most of it figured out from her great questions.

There was no judgement, just a funny and reassuring anecdote of another friend who for days after giving birth hated her husband, was angry at the world and her baby... and then "snap", completely forgetting those days existed.  She was doting and happy and fine.

I'm stilling waiting for that happy place.  I feel dull and drained.  I look at James and am confused sometimes, "Who is this baby?"

I know with a C- section (and no labour), I didn't have the same flood of hormones as with a vaginal birth.  Intellectually I know (suspect) this is part of the problem.  It's also one reason why I'm insisting on breastfeeding.

Olivia had told me how she first saw her daughter: something small and helpless that needed her care, but no different from another baby.  Once she started breastfeeding though, that's when she felt it -- waves of love.  She was hers.

I'd been flippant at the time, "Oh, that's just oxytocin being released...", as if knowing (some of) the biology and chemistry of it made it simple.  But of course, it only seems simple and effortless when it works.

It sounded stupid to say out loud: I didn't realise how physical it (being a mom) would be.  I'd thought all the dramatic changes to my body happened during the pregnancy and afterward would just be "returning to normal".  But instead, there's a completely new normal I'm supposed to accept.  That'll teach me for not reading ahead in all those health books.

1 hour consultation and 2 week follow-up

The consultant suggested surgery... Yikes!  She thought James a small tongue-tie which may be the reason he's having trouble latching.  But other than that, she didn't have much more advice than to do what I've been doing.

I was a little disappointed. I'd expected more from a breastfeeding consultant.  (Granted, I did get a lot of help from the different nurses -- so maybe nothing was left.)  And what I've been doing, I'm not sure is sustainable (3-hour cycles of feeding, topping up, and then pumping again...), but she said the pumping was necessary because the shield prevented the body from getting the right (or right intensity of) cues to keep producing milk.

Anyway, once finished we went to see the pediatrician.  Good news: James is now 2.48 kg (5 lbs 7 oz)!

Dr. N was impressed.  She also wanted me to continue what I was doing...

But what about the Cow's Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA) (and potentially soy allergy)?  She said go with the exclusion diet, but also his eczema could be due to dry weather and to work on that with creams and lotions.  Oh, and while she noticed the small tongue-tie, she didn't think it was worth surgery.

Next follow-up in 2 weeks.  Fingers-crossed we'll have some of the problems are sorted and he's still going strong.