Hours Old and Years Older (3)

Paul: Problem is that right now anything that's not sleeping is either startling or boring.
Me: He's like me -- would rather sleep than eat.

After my family leave, I started reading as much as I can.  The books (AHS Healthy Parents Health Children manuals), the health pamphlets... maybe I should have read them before instead of cramming now (too focused on pregnancy stuff).  Regardless, I wasn't going to let myself be caught off guard or make more mistakes.  I set my phone alarm and update it for 3 hours after the start of every feeding.  I made lists for things that need to be done at home, supplies we'll need to buy.  I don't really sleep.

I didn't realise how manic and tense I was until Paul came after work and I felt parts of me relax.  But the relief is short-lived: He makes me laugh, and it turns out laughing is painful.

I was scared: Getting out of bed to change diapers and for feedings was painful enough, but not even being able to laugh?  How was I going to keep this up if being happy hurts?

Paul reminded me this is only the second day.  He assured me I will heal and that we can do this.

Rhonda, the evening nurse, checked on us and encouraged me to take a shower.  I really didn't want to.  I am terrified of catching an infection here (retreating to an ingrained rule "organisms can grow in water, therefore staying dry will keep me safe"). I was sure it would be painful. But she insisted it would make me feel better.  We were both right.

It hurt to maneuver in the shower, especially since I didn't want to touch most of the surfaces.  Once I stopped the water, I felt cold to the core.  So cold, I thought maybe I was in shock. Shivering set off more pain.  What must have only been seconds felt like minutes. But I eventually warmed up.  Dressed in a clean gown, I did feel better.

Clean and back in bed, Paul and I concentrated on the baby and our next steps... like picking out a name.