"Daddy, look! We hatched a sprout!"
Emma and I were both surprised. It's only been a week or so since we started these cosmos in an indoor pot.
Will they have the dark pink petals I like or the white that James wants?
It shouldn't matter. Nature is magical and Emma shows me the right level of appreciation and enthusiasm I should have for the season. Marvel at the wonder.
Here's to more "hatching" of sprouts!
Emma had deleted all the photos.
I was wrangling to James into the bedtime routine, and the camera that I'd just used to take photos of him opening birthday presents was left out, in her reach.
And coming out of the washroom, I see her pushing buttons. "Hey, you know you're not supposed to touch that without asking Mama..." and when I take it from her, I see the photo count.
Over 3500 all gone like that. Why would the option to reformat the entire memory card be the first on the menu?! Years of photos all gone.
I hit the wall with my fist. I pushed and pulled James along to change and settle down; Emma tailed me and then held onto my leg. I could not look at her. I was too angry. And I was putting up with any more from James either. GOOD NIGHT!
"Emma, I'm angry right now, you broke something really important to Mama, and I don't want to see or talk to you right now." I retreat to my room and start sorting laundry, facing the wall.
I could hear James talking to Paul. Paul explained why I was upset. James said, "Emma deleted some of Mama's favourite photos... we could remake them and take them again." And with that, I sobbed. And Emma saw me crying and started crying too. It still took a minute more, hesitating, before I could finally look at her and pick her up.
To James: "Thank you, James, that really sweet. You're right, we can take more pictures later. Happy birthday and good night."
To Emma, while crying and trying to brush her teeth: "It'll be OK. Mama still has Emma, and James, and Daddy. We can take more pictures."
In my head: But it won't be the same. Years of photos. Of Emma being baby. Of James being a preschooler. Of birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries - but those often have other people taking shots. The more precious were the others.
My parents always ask, annoyed, "Why are you taking pictures of THAT?" Because I want to remember the everyday too. Of my dad smiling for real - not facing the camera, because he would only grimace when we stand all together, or just skip out entirely. Videos of my mom teaching these old Chinese songs to James to sing to baby Emma. Those COVID lock down years that were just a blur otherwise - lost again. First to sleepless worry and parenting brain fog, and now this. The kids playing in the bath - when they still fit in that plastic tub together. That beautiful autumn day when we saw the birds migrating. My walks with James when mom watched Emma, and we had a run of the neighbourhood.
Is it healthier this way? Just a clean slate, none of that clutter. But oh it hurts. I madly want to write down all the things I can remember that are on there. But I can't: there's too many. And I need to go make lunches for tomorrow, and prepare to go to the office. And what difference would it make any way?
Surprise! James can beatbox!
I'm so impressed (and tickled) that it doesn't bother me (too much) that his song features me being flushed down a toilet. Emma does some decent backup "singing" too.
Overheard in the garden store today:
"Can I help you find something ma'am?"
"I'm looking for my 92 year old mother in law, this is her first outing in a year, we think she may have gone... rogue..."
Co-sleeping was not in the plan. But it is what it is, and, le sigh, the past week was this:
She's not so small anymore. Her head knocks against mine and I wake up. I don't sleep so well and my neck and shoulders hurt. But, I guess she's having some sort of tough time, so she needs me... and I know I should cherish it, since it will all change... and then I might miss it.
Original photo: North American Otter from Nature Canada.
It's Emma's first day at daycare.
I wasn't sure if we were going to get both James and Emma fed and out of the house on time* even with waking and starting the process earlier.
* 8:10 AM. It's sometimes a literal drag just for James.
But, Emma seemed excited? OK, we did have to chase her a little to get her dressed, but then:
Does she know what's going on? No. Not likely.
Paul says at the daycare she was just curious, looking around when he left... and that was that.
As (some have) predicted, she's probably handling it better than me; I'm the one that needs/needed a "transition day".
No more excuses. I might be a bit worried ("I hope she's OK.") and sad ("My baby's growing up."), but I must also tackle the to-do list. GO!
Yesterday morning:
Me: "Oh, no your finger is bleeding. Have you been biting your nails again?"
James: "No, Emma came in at night and bit me."
This morning:
Me: "Oh, no you're wet."
James: "No, Emma came in at night and pee on me."
____________________________________________________________
Tall tales, Emma-blaming, and lying are supposedly, for his age, "a sign of intelligence", but it's so tiring and frustrating. I'm reading the articles* and trying not to get too worked up. Paul's take got me to laugh (until I wanted to cry again): "At least he's consistent."
* How to Discipline when your Child Tells Tall-Tales, Fibs and Lies and 8 Seemingly Innocent Child Behavioral Problems Parents Shouldn’t Ignore
December 1:
The Closet (A) = The Toy Box
He (B) = James
I (C) = Emma
[Though, also, where (B) is me, and (C) is the both of them, and (A) is every dang thing in the house! Ack stop touching things!!!]
The reason why I'm "chain-streaming" accounting-finance-auditing webinars while trying to do laundry, cook, toddler-proofing, making a new office space, etc. Yep, I could have done some more professional development (or any of those other things) earlier this year (COVID is only part of it), but no.
Thankfully, Emma's spending more time at my mom's and James is at daycare. I can do it!
A whole week of plus temperatures (around 6 degrees), and a high of 9 predicted for today. "Yay!" and "Uh-no!" captured perfectly. I'd smile if I wasn't ready to cry.
A short warm snap means time to get going on these chores, or else be caught in under zero weather and snow again... though would be easier if I didn't have this cold.
Never mind, go, go, go! Let's get it done!
- Caulk/seal the draft in the window frames (wipe the condensation between the windows?)
- Clear the drains (open windows for ventilation)
- Switch out the old car seat for new (Emma is growing up *sniff*)
- Bring in the train table from garage
- Take out boxes to garage
- Dig out more winter gear
Wish me luck!
